Women with Everlasting Faith

Imagine this unknown place, with unknown people, inside a dark room with four corners, filled with unfamiliar borrowed things, that even yourself felt borrowed and unfamiliar.

The sound of the ticking clock and my mind was the only thing that filled the silence. The mornings seemed so dim, and in the light I felt a deep slumber because of fear, fear from the unknown.

I went abroad to took the chance and to gain experiences but little did I know that it will be a big realization to the real world.

That time, every night I am wide awake and doing nothing but waiting because finally after a month, I am now going to wait for the permit, for the approval of my application overseas and that I have to exit for weeks in another country.

The night before my travel, I was exhausted and excited at the same time. Exhausted because I had to go to training and do my task even if I only have 3 days left before my visa expires. I have the panic of where I would stay, and whom I am going to be with but I am excited because finally the fear from the unknown slowly ebbed away. As I’m booking a hotel, I accidentally booked the cheap hotel with random boys/girls. My boyfriend didn’t allow it, so I have to cancel it and look for another. I’m getting more panicked because as I was booking my flight, instead of tomorrow’s date, I booked the same date but it was next year. I felt so helpless but luckily, my boyfriend was there for me even from afar. He managed to contact the airline for the rebooking and the hotel for the refund, but it took me a while before I received a call from them and I needed to make decisions. My last option was to ask my relatives if they knew someone whom I could stay with for a few days. Luckily, I found one and she recommended me to her friend of friend.

How grateful I am that all of my beliefs and courage from the beginning was all paying off. That my resignation from my previous Job will be worth it, that I wasn’t wrong when I believed in myself.

Thankfully, I stayed with good people, although most of the time I am feeling alone because they all have jobs and I am the only one in a room on a strange city. I felt scared, lonely and hopeless every day because the longer I stayed there, I felt like I was running out of time. I also have the feeling that I am wasting my time and effort in waiting, and it became true. My application was all for nothing. All my nightmares become a reality . Everything went to nothing. All my fears were doubled, I can’t find any self worth. Was there something wrong with me? With my beliefs? Or Maybe my faith wasn’t enough?? So many questions..

Looking back at those moments that I felt scared and hopeless, my faith gave me more reasons to believe and every time my mind goes crazy, I sing a song that has his powerful name. I feel strong because I chose to believe that I am, that there’s something more that awaits for me and all the time and effort that I gave has lead me to a more meaningful path. Not now maybe someday, I wouldn’t have to tell anyone about me because I would have achieved the purpose that was given to me in a meaningful way.

But that moment, those strange places and people were the true and genuine achievements that I am proud of!

Not the rejection though.

But the worship and faith that I made within myself.


ALL the songs in Women of Worship ( Spotify Playlist) accompanied my days as a traveler who dreamed even up to this day. I still believe that one day, I will find out all the purpose in all the questions in me. I know that through him and with my everlasting faith, I can.
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The Sun and the Waves flows into us

I have the best people, and I want to write about them, but it seems not interesting. How am I supposed to describe the way I feel about every moment I am with them?

This might sounds cliché and cheesy! But I realized that we’re lucky, and so incredibly proud of each one of them. And basically this might be a good chance to shout out only the good thing about having the best family (I am with my cousins).

Normally, nowadays when we saw an article about family-thing, it sounds not interesting except if I am a celebrity though. Unfortunately, What’s more interesting is that people wants to talk about other people’s lives but not the success of each but rather the mistakes, failures and sorrow. It seems normal to some but to me, here I am trying not to be.

So here it goes

Let me try in this way…

Wait!

One more…

To my biggest fear of expressing my love, to my family, my cousins this is an upside-down love for you!

Only for love

I’ve read tons of poems

about sun and waves and

I never get tired of reading

And in finding ways

for a spare moment

Because every bonding with you

I have the best moments

Every beaches we’ve seen

Our perspectives changing

Every waves flowed,

As we go with the flow and

reminds, only the happiest

With you, It never fails to

make the sun brighter and

the waves stronger

My dear cousins,

I am still in progress with this, But

I want to express to everyone

Before the sun comes up

And get older

And before we forget

All the bonds with laughter

Might be the highlights of

Our memories.✍🏻

*Read Upwards*

🇵🇭 here’s to my Cabrido Family, I love you all!!!

Things to learn from Reality-based experiences

I believe in pursuing life in a meaningful way and in order to do that, we should learn to get out of our comfort zone.

Paulo Coelho is my all-time favorite author. I enjoy reading a lot of his novels which gives us a moral lesson about life. Even though I’m still not used to reading his works in a much deeper way, sometimes I can’t help but think that’s how our life is as well. Sometimes it’ll take us a lot of misunderstandings and reading in between the lines to be able to understand what our lives are trying to show us. Sometimes we have to read further ahead in our own chapters to be able to understand what the lines mean. When we want to achieve something in our lives, it’s going to take a lot of trial and errors for us to learn from our mistakes. But “when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” – Paulo Coelho

In order to not lose sight in the process, these are reality-based that we must need to consider. Remember, you are in control and of all the people around you, you are the only one who would know the ending.

Know your worth

First, I learned to value my life and make it worth through the circumstances that led me to believe in myself. I learned to let go of all the things that caused me to stumble upon the opportunities given to me, to dig more deeper and find the meaning in my life. I also learned to accept my failures and use them as my inspiration and motivation for my future world and hopefully, some of people would learn from it as well.

Separating the positive to negative

As we learn to value ourselves, we also learn to seek out only the best people and the positive things that we’ll need in our lives. We’ll learn to find happiness within ourselves while building the tower of our own dreams. We’ll value our time more and realize that dwelling on the negative side of things and the outside world would just be just a waste of time because most of people who are often doing things that are beyond our control and against our own beliefs have nothing better to do with their lives and are filled with envy and jealousy, keep going.

Stand for ourselves not for what others beliefs.

When I am on the process of getting out to my comfort zone, Rejection is the number one enemy we will meet but when we do, it doesn’t mean that we are not capable of trying again. Stand up and don’t give up on yourself because no matter what happens in the process, it is not the ending that will matter the most but the drive and effort that we put into the process.

Play the game and take a risk

We are the player of our own game, and our goal is to make sure that we are in control of it. Problems, doubts, lack of confidence, fear, they would be our enemies because aside from the world that is full of people’s different perspectives and beliefs, ourselves is also one of our biggest weaknesses. We fail to notice until we’re already drowning in our own negative ways. The only certain way we can do to get ahead in life is to play and take risks every single day even if it could bring a lot of failures and rejections. Life goes on and so does our chances so we have to be in control every day.

Start again.

You’ll know the ending if you start to accept failures doesn’t stop you.



Thank you readers for being part of my in the process. I hope and pray that I will be too to you and I’m looking forward to hear from you. May the Lord be with us always with love.

Healing starts with ourselves

I’ve been there as well. The feeling where you turn a blind eye on what’s right or wrong solely because you love the person so much. Thoughts keep coming inside your head telling yourself that “He / She is worth it” and “that person is perfect for me”, thoughts that you don’t want to meet anyone or get to know anyone else but him, start something new, be alone, not being with him.

Right?

When I am on that kind of situation, I can’t help but relate to the book that I once read which was It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover. The story goes like this: The main characters are married and the boy kind of has an obsession with the girl but they love each other. As the story goes on, the guys obsession led to jealousy which ultimately led to physical abuse and him beating up the girl. Of course, this shocked the girl at first since everything was so unexpected. However, she tried to justify what happened by telling to herself that “This only happened once, it’s okay. It’ll never happen again for sure because he loves me. Whatever happened here, I’m sure he has his reasons”. It made me think, isn’t this the same way we try to justify the things that are happening to us when we get hurt once on our relationships?

As the story progresses, the abuse continued. When the guy found something on the girl’s phone (which was her ex’s number), he slapped her. The only thing that went on the girl’s mind was “Good thing it was only a slap, at least he didn’t beat me up unlike before”.

The point here is that, once the pain happens, our minds can’t tell us what’s best for us anymore since we’ve already experienced much worse and we turn a blind eye on these painful experiences by saying to ourselves that they have their own reasons for doing these things. That’s why when the abuse or hurt happen once again, we still try to find relief because it’s not as worse as the first one until it just repeats itself in an endless cycle. This is true whether it is physical or emotional hurt in any relationship.

The only way that we will be able to change situations like these is to accept the fact that we can never love someone who is blind to the things that we have had to endure just to keep the relationship together.

You’ll know that you truly love someone if you learn to let them go.

I’ll be sharing this with you based on my own experiences.
It was four years ago. I was in a lot of pain due to the mindset that I put myself in for our relationship. I kept telling myself that he was worth all the pain, the wait, and the heartaches. This was all true.

Back then, I regularly attended their church. However, I didn’t really feel the spiritual presence that I was supposed to feel. It’s because every time I was there, the topic of the preaching would ultimately be targeted towards our relationship. The preacher would say things like we are too young, how we are incapable of handling the responsibility of a relationship and stuff like that. His arguments were valid but it was not the kind of things that I needed to hear at my current state at that time. I felt like I was losing what I deserve as a person because on my side of the family, our relationship was accepted. But his side tells a very different story. I don’t blame anyone other than myself. I believed that when you love someone, anything that can or will happen to both of you would be worth it. That’s why even I knew that this kind of situation was going to happen in the first place, I still went with it.

I endured what I felt for months. I remember praying to God one time “Lord, please distance me from him. Please help me let go of whatever I feel about him because its no longer healthy for me. I always end up crying and hurt due to his family matters which I have no control over If we’re destined for each other then I’ll let fate be the judge “

After a while, I decided to end our relationship. Its much more painful to do so when you still love the person. For a week, he kept on pleading for me to start things over. It took all my courage not to go back to him which felt like being pierced by a thousand needles. Another week passed and I didn’t hear a single word from him. That time, it felt like I couldn’t stop myself from coming back to him but I knew things were already too late. God already granted my wish for us not to be together again. Because when I asked him back, he didn’t want to anymore, funny how things can turn around so fast. It felt like the sky fell on my shoulders. I endured every moment of the pain that I felt because of my love for him. Because when you love someone, you’ll do whatever it takes to make them happy, even if it hurts.

Its alright to expect things and get hurt sometimes. One of the things I did before to cope with the pain was to do the things my ex knew I never liked doing. He knew I didn’t like exercising, reading books, eating vegetables and living in a healthy way. Well, I did all those because I didn’t want to be the same kind of person that I was before. I wanted to change myself, my beliefs, and the wrong things that I have stood for that caused all of these situations that I feel like I did not deserve.

I began running every night outside under the city lights. It was hard at first, it felt like the people around me were watching me as if they knew what I was feeling. I didn’t realize that the reason was maybe because they saw me crying while running.

I found out not long after that he already had a new girlfriend not even a month after our break up. It hurts but I kind of saw it coming because I knew when we were still together, he and the girl were already getting to know each other and he’s even receiving letters from her. I even remember him saying how happy he was and how long has it been since he received a letter. I knew he would be much happier with the girl since they are more often together than us because they were just schoolmates.

Not long after that, I slowly isolated and disconnected myself from everything. I had no gadget of any kind for 3 months, no one was able to contact me through phone, social media, etc. I didn’t want them to see me while I am going through this pain. I chose to be with myself which led to a lot of realizations. I started to value every minute of my day. When you don’t have any sort of gadget to distract yourself from what you feel, you allow yourself to feel whatever emotion and thoughts you have at that time. I allowed this to happen to myself for me to be able to feel and release everything inside of me instead of escaping from it. Healing is a long process, I can’t say that 3 months would’ve been enough. However, those 90 days were enough for me to realize a lot of things when I am only with myself and not distracted by anything else from the outside world.

Most importantly, it made me realize how worthy my life is.

I brought books to help me improve as a person. Although I still feel the pain of the past, reading helped me get my mind preoccupied and focus on the more important things that can help me grow. I focused on my work and gave my best, I explored, found out what I want in life, and I had my dreams.

For two years I was able to enjoy being alone because I believed in myself, because of choosing myself over the pain, and because of trying and knowing what’s worthwhile. Its okay to feel these things because we are meant to feel all the grief, anger, jealousy and pain so when the time comes, we’ll truly appreciate all the good things like happiness, family, friends, success, and love. We’ll never truly appreciate the good times if we never allow ourselves to feel everything.

Now, I can say to myself that I am with someone who is beyond my choice, beyond what I dreamed of having. There was no apparent reason or time when I felt my connection with him. These bible verses about love are true, and it rings true for the two of us as well.

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Cheers to 2019

Today is another chapter of a new 365 pages.

Congratulations to all the plot twist of ups and down side of our stories we’ve been through!

I would say that my 2018 might be my worst year yet, a lot of lessons, experiences, realizations and changes, but definitely 2019 will be my comeback,

Our comeback.

Lessons, experiences, realizations and Changes.


“I can’t say there are many changes in my 2018. However, I kind of view last year as a stepping stone. A stepping stone that came in the form of a foot injury. How ironic. This injury became the gateway towards a discipline that would be the catalyst for the changes that I wanna do for this year. Having not been able to walk, I learned what it’s like to have patience and to appreciate what I can do despite my disability. Seeing how hard it was for my everyday life to be if I couldn’t move my legs to take even just a few steps made me see what I took for granted everyday. I am the type of person that correlates everything that happens on how I can make the best out of it. So I did. This injury served as a foundation to what I will be doing for this year, and the rest of this story will follow by then. “

– Mohammad Shalash


I know how that feels like of being the outcast of your own dreams and to me, I didn’t say that I regret everything that happened to my 2018, perhaps I am grateful for being able to endure all the rejections from my own dream. I saw how hard it was for you to overcome all of your fears with your condition and to me, I was inspired by how you were doing it.

I want to shout out that you are being appreciated and loved by me. You did a great role in my 2018 and you will always be.

Just like how I did.

This one is an appreciation message for my parents for all the hardship, support and trust they have given to me. I might not be able to say this to them for now but I will surely gonna be back to my faith in believing that I can still do all things that I’ve dreamed of through my faith and believe in myself.

Now for the comeback


To my dearest years
I am nothing but a dreamer
Who never makes it further
But my words won't stop
And so the rest of my world stop
whenever I dreamed of being on top
but realized that I am just dreaming
Knowing that this is a part of believing
As being a believer
That once upon a time
I, once become a dreamer
Who made all of it possible

Thank you Lord we made it.

The struggle is real

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I asked a 17 years old teenager boy.

Tell me a word that defines life

“Struggle”

Why?

“There’s a lot of problems in life, right?”

There are so many problems in life, indeed. But what matters more are the thoughts that there are hundreds of good things about life as well.

I think the problem is not part in life, but is part of being human. Being human beings are not the same as what life is.

Many of us could define life in many different meaning and ways. It’s surely why the young age defined it as negative is that because of the fact that the struggle is real when it comes to deciding what to believe and what to do in life.

It’s rare for them to have their own decisions and opinions when they aren’t able to do and have that.

And the hardest struggle is that, even if they wanted to, life wasn’t favorable for them.

In that age, probably as a student, we can still change the struggles into something that could benefit our own future.

Don’t be hard on yourself as a human being, let go of your failures and all the other options that we didn’t plan nor wanted to do.

Time flies and the road is not going to end up with nothing but a good memories of being alive in life

Life is about being alive in this world.
Being human is about what we do, what we want to do, and what we can do in life.

Enjoy each day and so as being human.

Continue reading “The struggle is real”

What is your dream?

When you’re young, many people ask:

What is your dream?”

As we grow older, that dream seems become blurry and much harder to think about.

However, as I matured, it changed as I continued to explore the world of adults. Holding onto my dream until I become an adult isn’t easy in this world. When reality keeps on hitting me, it becomes more challenging because that dream seems to be way out of reach till it gets to the point that the dream gradually disappears in our sights.

As we continued this kind of adulting journey, it makes us not even remember what those dreams were to begin with.
However, before completely forgetting my dream, instead of just letting the world decide what I need to do and being envious to those people who are not afraid to get lost because of the challenges that these dreams may bring (that we’ve forgotten in the first place), How about giving it a try too?
Just like how every night we set an alarm, only to press snooze in the morning for a few more minutes of sleep before finally getting up.

I have my own set of alarm to an almost-perfect and stable job. It’s indeed a good profession that isn’t easy to let go. When the company is good, together with comfort and safety in our favor, we often do forget the importance of those remaining minutes to look back and start the things that really makes us happy.
It takes a lot of courage to wake up before the alarm rings. It really isn’t easy to start the day with no idea what to do. Even holding on and believing might not be enough but its surely all worth more than having the same set of alarms every single day.

For some employee, 6:00 o’clock in the morning is the worst but 5:30 in the afternoon is the best when they don’t like their duties. We often see ourselves as what society normally does but we often forget what we really want for ourselves due to these social norms. We have a lot of time. It gives us a lot of days make these dreams come true. Why not give it a try?

Age doesn’t define a person’s ability and knowledge. There’s no measurement when it comes to a life where we can decide, make mistakes and take risks. An achievement is nothing when we’re not gonna let ourselves be lost in the process of reaching the unknown. That is until we keep going, step by step, a little more and we can reach it.

We have time and ourselves to make it more than 8 hours a day to reach what really makes us feel happier and give more meaning to being alive.