I’ve been there as well. The feeling where you turn a blind eye on what’s right or wrong solely because you love the person so much. Thoughts keep coming inside your head telling yourself that “He / She is worth it” and “that person is perfect for me”, thoughts that you don’t want to meet anyone or get to know anyone else but him, start something new, be alone, not being with him.
When I am on that kind of situation, I can’t help but relate to the book that I once read which was It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover. The story goes like this: The main characters are married and the boy kind of has an obsession with the girl but they love each other. As the story goes on, the guys obsession led to jealousy which ultimately led to physical abuse and him beating up the girl. Of course, this shocked the girl at first since everything was so unexpected. However, she tried to justify what happened by telling to herself that “This only happened once, it’s okay. It’ll never happen again for sure because he loves me. Whatever happened here, I’m sure he has his reasons”. It made me think, isn’t this the same way we try to justify the things that are happening to us when we get hurt once on our relationships?
As the story progresses, the abuse continued. When the guy found something on the girl’s phone (which was her ex’s number), he slapped her. The only thing that went on the girl’s mind was “Good thing it was only a slap, at least he didn’t beat me up unlike before”.
The point here is that, once the pain happens, our minds can’t tell us what’s best for us anymore since we’ve already experienced much worse and we turn a blind eye on these painful experiences by saying to ourselves that they have their own reasons for doing these things. That’s why when the abuse or hurt happen once again, we still try to find relief because it’s not as worse as the first one until it just repeats itself in an endless cycle. This is true whether it is physical or emotional hurt in any relationship.
The only way that we will be able to change situations like these is to accept the fact that we can never love someone who is blind to the things that we have had to endure just to keep the relationship together.
You’ll know that you truly love someone if you learn to let them go.
I’ll be sharing this with you based on my own experiences.
It was four years ago. I was in a lot of pain due to the mindset that I put myself in for our relationship. I kept telling myself that he was worth all the pain, the wait, and the heartaches. This was all true.
Back then, I regularly attended their church. However, I didn’t really feel the spiritual presence that I was supposed to feel. It’s because every time I was there, the topic of the preaching would ultimately be targeted towards our relationship. The preacher would say things like we are too young, how we are incapable of handling the responsibility of a relationship and stuff like that. His arguments were valid but it was not the kind of things that I needed to hear at my current state at that time. I felt like I was losing what I deserve as a person because on my side of the family, our relationship was accepted. But his side tells a very different story. I don’t blame anyone other than myself. I believed that when you love someone, anything that can or will happen to both of you would be worth it. That’s why even I knew that this kind of situation was going to happen in the first place, I still went with it.
I endured what I felt for months. I remember praying to God one time “Lord, please distance me from him. Please help me let go of whatever I feel about him because its no longer healthy for me. I always end up crying and hurt due to his family matters which I have no control over If we’re destined for each other then I’ll let fate be the judge “
After a while, I decided to end our relationship. Its much more painful to do so when you still love the person. For a week, he kept on pleading for me to start things over. It took all my courage not to go back to him which felt like being pierced by a thousand needles. Another week passed and I didn’t hear a single word from him. That time, it felt like I couldn’t stop myself from coming back to him but I knew things were already too late. God already granted my wish for us not to be together again. Because when I asked him back, he didn’t want to anymore, funny how things can turn around so fast. It felt like the sky fell on my shoulders. I endured every moment of the pain that I felt because of my love for him. Because when you love someone, you’ll do whatever it takes to make them happy, even if it hurts.
Its alright to expect things and get hurt sometimes. One of the things I did before to cope with the pain was to do the things my ex knew I never liked doing. He knew I didn’t like exercising, reading books, eating vegetables and living in a healthy way. Well, I did all those because I didn’t want to be the same kind of person that I was before. I wanted to change myself, my beliefs, and the wrong things that I have stood for that caused all of these situations that I feel like I did not deserve.
I began running every night outside under the city lights. It was hard at first, it felt like the people around me were watching me as if they knew what I was feeling. I didn’t realize that the reason was maybe because they saw me crying while running.
I found out not long after that he already had a new girlfriend not even a month after our break up. It hurts but I kind of saw it coming because I knew when we were still together, he and the girl were already getting to know each other and he’s even receiving letters from her. I even remember him saying how happy he was and how long has it been since he received a letter. I knew he would be much happier with the girl since they are more often together than us because they were just schoolmates.
Not long after that, I slowly isolated and disconnected myself from everything. I had no gadget of any kind for 3 months, no one was able to contact me through phone, social media, etc. I didn’t want them to see me while I am going through this pain. I chose to be with myself which led to a lot of realizations. I started to value every minute of my day. When you don’t have any sort of gadget to distract yourself from what you feel, you allow yourself to feel whatever emotion and thoughts you have at that time. I allowed this to happen to myself for me to be able to feel and release everything inside of me instead of escaping from it. Healing is a long process, I can’t say that 3 months would’ve been enough. However, those 90 days were enough for me to realize a lot of things when I am only with myself and not distracted by anything else from the outside world.
Most importantly, it made me realize how worthy my life is.
I brought books to help me improve as a person. Although I still feel the pain of the past, reading helped me get my mind preoccupied and focus on the more important things that can help me grow. I focused on my work and gave my best, I explored, found out what I want in life, and I had my dreams.
For two years I was able to enjoy being alone because I believed in myself, because of choosing myself over the pain, and because of trying and knowing what’s worthwhile. Its okay to feel these things because we are meant to feel all the grief, anger, jealousy and pain so when the time comes, we’ll truly appreciate all the good things like happiness, family, friends, success, and love. We’ll never truly appreciate the good times if we never allow ourselves to feel everything.
Now, I can say to myself that I am with someone who is beyond my choice, beyond what I dreamed of having. There was no apparent reason or time when I felt my connection with him. These bible verses about love are true, and it rings true for the two of us as well.
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7